New additions!

The school year is almost over. It´s been awesome as always!
This year, I´ve adopted a younger sister! An adorable, vibrant, carefree, ginger-haired, bright-eyed and Scotish young woman called Leigh. An engineer with bright hopes for her future, plans to travel the world, a fear of boyfriends and romantic entanglements, a phobia for PDAs and a love for Japanese restaurant as big as mine, we hit it off the first time we met.
Also, gorgeous, blue-eyed and blonde haired Australian lawyer Maya, joined us. She´s more reserved, elegant and quite prim and proper,
With more friends, more students/clients, a promotion and more responsiblities,  I´m treading new grounds and I´m loving it!

Looking forward to September!

Midlife crisis

Midlife crisis?

The other day, I had the most interesting conversation about what is popularly known as "mid-life crisis" with a client.

This client at first struck me as a well balanced and highly intelligent individual, my impression hasn't changed, but after 3 months of 2 hour weekly appointments, I was intrigued by his reaction to the word, "mid-life crisis"

The conversation had started with the topic of major life changing events and slowly came to dwell on mid-life crisis. Though he refused to admit it, he seems to me to be struggling with being 40something.

When I asked what he understood by "mid-life crisis", he answered that its when people suddenly realize that it would be impossible to change their life. He did give some very interesting example.

Like: it would be totally impossible for a forty-something year old guy to turn out and become a popular basket ball player, a doctor or a millionaire if he hadn't achieved any of these before his 40th birthday.

And given that I'm an unrepentant optimist, I disagreed with him. Add to that the fact that I'm still in my 30s  and you'll understand why I absolutely refuse to accept that once I clock 40, my possibilities will begin to take a free fall. 

I am and will always be a strong believer and advocate of the fact that you can be anything you want to be, you can achieve anything you want to achieve regardless of age(amongst other things). Well, of course, if you weren't playing really mind-blowing basketball at 15, you can totally forget about becoming your national team's version of Karim Abdul Jabbar or Micheal Jordan at 20. I mean, that might be asking for too much.

Given that he's already in his 40s and obviously struggling with it, I didn't convince him.

Still on Emotional Intelligence.

We often hear “knowledge is power.” While it is true that knowledge can be power, when it comes to change, knowledge alone just doesn't get it done. 

Studies confirm it’s not how book smart you are, but how people-smart that makes the difference.

When it comes to happiness and success in life, emotional intelligence (EQ) matters just as much as intellectual ability (IQ). Emotional intelligence helps you build stronger relationships, succeed at work, and achieve your career and personal goals. 

So, what is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to identify, use, understand, and manage emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges, and defuse conflict. 

Emotional intelligence is about becoming aware of our own emotions, in the moment, and the emotions of others, and using that information to manage ourselves and our relationships with others. That goes to say that if you have high emotional intelligence you are able to recognize your own emotional state and the emotional states of others, and engage with people in a way that draws them to you. You can use this understanding of emotions to relate better to other people, form healthier relationships, achieve greater success at work, and lead a more fulfilling life. Emotionally-intelligent individuals have the ability to tune into their emotions and use this information to make better decisions and more effectively interact with others.
Emotional intelligence impacts many different aspects of your daily life, such as the way you behave and the way you interact with others.

Emotional intelligence consists of four attributes:

• Self-awareness – You recognize your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behaviour, know your strengths and weaknesses, and have self-confidence.
• Self-management – You’re able to control impulsive feelings and behaviours, manage your emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances.
• Social awareness – You can understand the emotions, needs, and concerns of other people, pick up on emotional cues, feel comfortable socially, and recognize the power dynamics in a group or organization.
• Relationship management – You know how to develop and maintain good relationships, communicate clearly, inspire and influence others, work well in a team, and manage conflict.

Why is emotional intelligence (EQ) so important?

As we know, it’s not the smartest people that are the most successful or the most fulfilled in life. You probably know people who are academically brilliant and yet are socially inept and unsuccessful at work or in their personal relationships. Intellectual intelligence (IQ) isn't enough on its own to be successful in life. Yes, your IQ can help you get into college, but it’s your EQ that will help you manage the stress and emotions when facing your final exams.

Emotional intelligence affects:

• Your performance at work. Emotional intelligence can help you navigate the social complexities of the workplace, lead and motivate others, and excel in your career. In fact, when it comes to gauging job candidates, many companies now view emotional intelligence as being as important as technical ability and require EQ testing before hiring.
• Your physical health. If you’re unable to manage your stress levels, it can lead to serious health problems. Uncontrolled stress can raise blood pressure, suppress the immune system, increase the risk of heart attack and stroke, contribute to infertility, and speed up the aging process. The first step to improving emotional intelligence is to learn how to relieve stress.
• Your mental health. Uncontrolled stress can also impact your mental health, making you vulnerable to anxiety and depression. If you are unable to understand and manage your emotions, you’ll also be open to mood swings, while an inability to form strong relationships can leave you feeling lonely and isolated.
• Your relationships. By understanding your emotions and how to control them, you’re better able to express how you feel and understand how others are feeling. This allows you to communicate more effectively and forge stronger relationships, both at work and in your personal life.   

While cognitive intelligence (measured as IQ) is set at birth, research shows that emotional intelligence (measured as EQ) can be learned. What’s more, the research shows the best way to enhance emotional intelligence is to work with a coach. 

IQ and Emotional Intelligence

A Chinese friend writes that last week President Xi, the new national leader, told a graduating class that Emotional Intelligence is “more important than IQ,” and a competence that should be pursued in the workplace.

The news made the front page of Chinese newspapers.

I’d add a few details. First, let’s be clear: for workplace success, IQ matters, too – just not in the same way that EI does. IQ remains the best predictor of which level of job someone can hold. For the professions (medicine, teaching, accounting and the like) you need an IQ roughly a standard deviation among the norm – that is, around 115 or higher.

But once you are in that position, IQ does not guarantee that you will be outstanding in your performance, nor that you will emerge as a leader. A main reason IQ no longer predicts success once you are on the job is that everyone you are competing with is about as smart as you. That’s when emotional intelligence adds great value.

The workplace competencies that independent studies have identified as distinguishing outstanding performers and leaders from the average are largely based on emotional intelligence – and as you go higher up the organizational ladder, they have greater and greater value.

I have a suggestion for China – and any other country that recognizes the value of emotional intelligence for its people and its workers. Teach these life skills at home, in school, beginning in early childhood and continuing to university.

A meta-analysis of more than 200 separate studies that compared students with emotional intelligence-based programs and those without them found that positive behavior increased 10 percent, negative went down 10 percent, and academic achievement scores jumped up 11 percent.

These programs, called "social/emotional learning," or SEL, take little or no time from the standard academic topics, yet let children learn better. Singapore is the first nation to mandate that all children there receive SEL.

These are the competencies that distinguish star leaders from average. Teaching these life skills in schools could turn them into leadership academies.

And the good news: if you didn’t master in earlier life the emotional intelligence abilities you need for your job, it’s never too late. Get a coach.

Trending Topic: Emotional Intelligence

Recently, the issue of teaching Emotional Intelligence has become hot trending topic.

Everybody is talking about it, there are the skeptics and then there are the ones who'll swallow everything trending without so much as a question.

I'm neither one nor the other. I just think that emotionally  intelligent people have been around forever and it seems a little bit interesting that some of us are only just waking up to it. But as my people would say, " your morning is when you wake up".

I admire those who are advocating for its inclusion in school and by all means, I think we should.
However, I admire even more my Mum who taught me a lot of what is now being defined as "emotional intelligence".
Back in the days, it had other names...
Back in the days, it was not a school subject but you learnt it anyway.
There were no refresher courses or coaching session, but you practiced it all the same.

Teaching or coaching people about emotional is intelligence will be lots of fun, because, I´ve not only learnt the theory, I´ve found that I am emotinally intelligent.

Still teaching, now coaching and still learning

I've been a teacher for over 8 years now, a profession that I totally love and one that fulfils and challenges me in more ways than one. 

Though I started out teaching young learners,  I'm now mostly working with adults and professionals and most recently with high placed executives.

This means that I'm teaching business/professional English and communications, but I'm learning a lot more. I'm learning about the habits of successful executives, I'm learning about what makes them tick, what gets them going. I'm learning about the frustrations involved in high management positions, about leading people, about directing and succesfuly or unsuccesfully completing projects. I'm hearing what they tell me, but I also listen for what they don't say. I'm researching and reading everything I can

Over the years, a whole lot of my students have told me that their classes seem to also double as a session with the psychologist. (I'm still not sure if that's good or bad).

Nevertheless, when they share things with me or when we do role plays in class,  I'm given the rare opportunity to share their lives and their work.

In my classrooms, there're basically no taboos, no off-limits topics. I'm dark skinned, so thankfully I don't blush and even if I did, you can hardly notice.

They tell me a lot! A whole lot! And I listen, and learn!

The more I teach, the more I learn and the more respect and admiration I have for the wonderful people I've had the honour to teach.  

I mentioned in one of my previous blogposts that most of my students have become friends and the list is still increasing.

I'm still teaching and I'm still learning.
Teaching is one of the best jobs in the world, by no means easy, but totally worth it!
And now it seems only natural adding Coaching to my job definition. 

Mina.

These days when I remember Mina, there's an ache in my heart. She was one of the first people I worked with, as a swap or what you call language exchange. It was one of those encounters that you never forget. A friend of mine had given her my number, and when she called the first time, I couldn't answer the phone and somehow, I forget to call her back. after a few hours, she called again. that gave me the impression that she was really interested in having classes. I wasnt sure if it was going to be paid classes, but I was willing to meet her and decide, besides, at that time, I had a lot time on my hands. We met, in a bar, and there was no awkward moments, it felt like we had known each other for years. At that first meeting, everything felt right, and we parted with an agreement to meet again.
And so started a beautiful friendship. She was a bit younger than me, but we had so many things in common and she had a vibrancy about, which reminded of myself in what felt like another time and age. For years, I considered her as my best friend, I loved her like a sister and told everybody that cared to listen so.
We shared so many things, we talked about our goals, our dreams, we shared recipes, beauty and style tips. we did everything that two young, beautiful and lively ladies of our generation would do. I felt young again.
She was always there when I needed her, and I believe that I was there for her too and I sincerely felt that what we had was a healthy and well-balanced relationship between two equally well-balanced and interesting young women. I still don´t know what went wrong or how, but suddenly, she stopped taking my calls and after some months, I recieved this email from her.

Hi,

I saw your calls these days and I didn't answer 'cause I'm studying. I'm so sorry for not being with you all this time and having disappeared but until I successfully finish my exams, I'm afraid that I can't have any social life. This "exams" demands all my attention and time, and so I can't have any contact except with Richie, even with him I'm having some serious arguements. I only go out a little bit on Fridays with him after leaving the academy and then the rest of the week I'm home studying.

I feel continually guilty with all my friends, but I need to do this well, and the exigencies are really high!

I hope you can understand, I hope you can forgive me for not taking care of you and being present in your life.

Once I get the job of my dreams, I'll contact you, I promise, and I hope you'll be there, but if not I will understand it. I know I'm asking too much.

Sorry again! I hope you know I love you!Mina.

These days, I don't talk to her. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't.

Thanks to FaceBook, I know she has finished her "exams", I know she didn´t do as well as she wanted to, my heart went out to her, because I know how much she wanted to pass. I sent her an email asking, I got no reply.
I haven´t given up. I still congratulate her on her birthdays, I comment on pictures she uploads. The most I´ve got is a "like" button in response.

We still live in the same city, but , it's been 5 years since I last saw her, 3 years since I last spoke to her on the phone and 2 and half years since that email.
I miss her. And I´ve stopped trying to understand the "why" of the distance between us. I just feel an ache in my heart whenever I remember her and sometimes when I´m out in the city centre, I look for her in the street, hoping that just maybe, we can run into each other.